NSFW: Introducing my unofficial Cards Against Humanity pack!

Well guys, I did it. I finally did something worth while with my pathetic life and I’m here to share my shame with you! Ever since we started playing this damned game my horrible friends and I have belted out terrible ideas for cards. I rounded up my ideas off our list, added a few more; perfected the entire set, and decided to release this beautiful pack of hideous cards into the wild.

With the added awesomeness of being able to order bootleg cards, I’ve decided to print myself out the pack and offer you the tools to do the same. Whether you wanted a text list, the zip file of edited/unedited cards so you can take credit for stealing my ideas, or just wanted to buy the damn thing now; I got you covered like that time you figured out dogs love peanut butter.

I’ve created 40 cards that I’m proud to call my own. There are 35 white cards and only 5 measly black cards. These contain everything from movie references, to disgusting nonsense, to completely inappropriate comments about race, gender, religion, and other stuff. At this time I’d like to remind you that these are all just a joke and you should lighten up a bit.

Want to make your own Cards Against Humanity pack? See how I did it here!

Download .zip

Well, here’s the text list for your amusement.

White Cards:

  • Seepage.
  • When your natural dad reflexes kick in an you save your own child from a wood chipper only to accidently drop kick them in a meat grinder.
  • Rubbing peanut butter on one nipple, jelly on the other, and sticking a banana in your pooper.
  • Rohypnol (rape drug).
  • Robin Williams masturbating while hanging from a noose.
  • The Baader-Meinhoff Phenomenon.
  • Confessing your eternal love over the middle school announcements.
  • Liam Neeson falling and not being able to get up.
  • Waking up naked in Jeffery Dahmer’s apartment.
  • Maintaining eye contact with a stranger while you jerk off on a crowded bus.
  • Giving yourself a colonoscopy with an iPhone.
  • A thurrito (a burrito inside of a burrito inside yet another burrito).
  • Shoving your friend into an obese love making session.
  • Drag Racing with Paul Walker.
  • Pig fucker.
  • Crazy white bitches.
  • Losing your virginity in a Chuck E. Cheese’s ball pit.
  • Finding out your girlfriend sucked 37 dicks.
  • Actually using a life hack from Reddit.
  • A wild herd of Tumblr feminazis.
  • Watching 230 hours of The Simpsons in one sitting.
  • Annie’s Boobs.
  • A case of the Mondays.
  • Struggling.
  • Having your favorite shirt shrink two sizes and wearing it 100lbs later BECAUSE BEING AN ADULT IS STUPID.
  • Yelling at your television because Hollywood gave James Franco another role.
  • Ordering $5,000 worth of dildos to prank your friends but hoarding them for yourself instead.
  • Getting 14 stitches for general clumsiness.
  • Literally eating RAM to increase mental capacity.
  • Sticking a spoon in the microwave because the internet said to do it.
  • Putting so much data into a Microsoft Excel spreadsheet that the CIA emails you to stop it.
  • Spending more money on another god damn Cards Against Humanity expansion.
  • Seeing your daughter suck a black cock on PornHub and being reminded about it every time you see a young girl with duckface.
  • Uncle Jerry not remembering that it was a family friendly game of “What’s In My Mouth?”
  • Spending a lifetime gathering all 7 dragon balls only to forcibly insert them into your rectum.

Black Cards

  • You can’t hurt me! Not with my ___ helmet.
  • Man, kids are getting weird nowadays. Instead of moshing, they’re ___.
  • Why are you wearing that silly ___ suit?
  • I work with this weirdo named Hannibal. He keeps trying to invite me over to eat ___.
  • ___. The Simpsons did it.